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My counselor gave me a copy of ‘Women Who Love Too Much’. Even though I’ve read many books and articles about codependency, I learned three big lessons in this book. One of them was about denial.

As a codependent, I am apt to deny the fact that my partners hurt me. Instead of acknowledging my sadness or anger, I rationalize their behavior and focus on “why did I get so upset in the first place”. This is something I haven’t thought deeply about before. 

In my most recent relationship, there was a lot of denial about my partner’s dishonesty. In trying to be understanding about why my partner would lie or withhold the truth ‘to protect me’, I was not fairly acknowledging that my partner had LIED for THEIR BENEFIT. To be honest, there still is denial. I have yet to process the ways my partner hurt my feelings.

This denial is closely linked to feeling angry or hurt. Growing up in a house of chaos, I never learned how to appropriately process or communicate anger in a healthy way. Because I was very involved in school and work, I am capable of expressing myself clearly in those domains now. But when it comes to relationships, I struggle to feel upset and communicate it. 

If you google search codependency, you’ll likely find many quizzes that give a description of codependent characteristics and habits.

But how did I end realizing the depth of my addiction?

• Numerous family members and friends told me that I should ‘put myself first’. And as much as I tried to understand them, I truly could not understand.
• My partner and I would fight about the fact that they could suggest any activity and I would, ‘never say no’. I was always willing to do whatever my partner suggested without question as a testament to my commitment to the relationship. It felt natural to reason, “if it’s what my partner really wants - I’ll do it”.
• I missed a very important work event while (trivially) arguing with my partner, signaling that my priorities were out of order
• I would constantly ask my partner to surprise me and neither of us could think of a reasonable surprise, because I very rarely displayed preferences that were different from my partner
• Becoming physically ill in response to instability in romantic relationships
• Realizing that with each thing I had to give, I  secretly expected something in return

As I continue to learn about my addiction and recover, I learn more about how I exemplify the character traits of a codependent person.

I am an addict. I have an unhealthy attachment to relationships. Where others have boundaries and personal space, I have the urge to share myself to the point of martyrdom in relationships.

I struggle to say ‘no’ to partners. I very rarely share my preferences. I sacrifice friends, family and work to prove to lovers that they are important to me. I show love by surrendering my identity.

This is my codependency.

I feel good giving myself away. I feel validated when I feel needed. When I am rejected by the people who I commit myself to, I feel worthless.

I give because the world looks black and white to me, I find it hard to balance giving a little with giving my all. I give because I hurt on the inside and want someone else to show me I am loveable. I give because I don’t feel worthy of receiving.

I want to recover from this addiction. I want to know who I am and learn to have healthy relationships with people. I want to achieve balance.

This is my recovery from codependency.